When counseling becomes another battlefield
The room meant for repair becomes a courtroom with a professional mistaken for a judge.
What it looks like
I'd arrive with material prepared. We'd spend the session establishing who was right, both of us glancing at the counselor for a ruling that was never coming.
I carried quotes from the session home for weeks. 'Even the counselor said—' I used that line like a trump card. It never once helped us.
Why it happens
After years of feeling unheard, a third party in the room feels like the first credible witness you've ever had. The temptation to seek a verdict is enormous, and I gave into it constantly.
It's also safer to be evaluated than to be honest. Building a case gave me something to do besides sitting in the discomfort of my own part in it.
How the loop feeds itself
Adversarial sessions produced no progress, which produced frustration, which produced harder advocacy the following week. I did this for longer than I want to admit.
Eventually I told myself counseling doesn't work — when what actually wasn't working was me trying to litigate instead of confess.
The mirror
- What are you bringing into that room: your case, or your part? Could you name your own contribution without a single reference to theirs? I couldn't, for a long time.
- Have you ever used something said in session as a weapon at home afterward? I have, more than once, and it cost us sessions we never got back.
How to break the pattern
- Change what you bring. Open with your own conduct and let it stand alone for the first ten minutes before you mention anyone else's.
- Agree that nothing said in session gets carried home as ammunition. Sessions have to be a place where honesty isn't a liability.
- Consider individual work alongside the couple's work. Some material genuinely can't be processed in front of the person it concerns, and I wasted time pretending otherwise.
Scripture Lens
“You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye.”
Matthew 7:5
Jesus doesn't say another person's fault doesn't exist. He fixes the order. I spent sessions pointing at specks while carrying a beam I refused to name, and clarity about anyone else was never available to me until I dealt with my own. Applied to a counseling room, it's the difference between a session that moves and one that just repeats.
Faith in Practice
In your next session, speak only about your own conduct for the first ten minutes. No comparisons, no context that shifts blame.
Pray This
God, I went in there to win more times than I can count. Take the case out of my hands. Show me my own part clearly enough that I stop needing a verdict against anyone else.
These come from my own marriage and from years in counseling rooms. Details are generalized. I'm not naming anyone but myself. Editorial content only — not therapy, legal or medical advice. Nobody should stay in an unsafe home to preserve a marriage; if you are in danger, contact local emergency services. How we write here.
Keep going
I've never had one lesson finish in one place. These carry it further.
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